Mornin, Woke up last nite for a head call about 2 AM. See these bulging ass eyes looking at me. Yep it was Mere, his belly button was pointing against the wall and his head was twisted all the way around and he was staring at me. As soon as I opened my eyes, he starts singing Hatoona Matada. I ripped him up by his throat and flung him across the street, try and be nice to some critters and this is what you get. He landed over by the Slavs tent and they were still up drinking Vodka. Blat yelled Neece Trow Sample. So, no more critters in the bunker. I tried, some critters just don't appreciate what you do for them. Pretty good Monkday, stopped in and saw Floyd, my car was still parked at the bar from Saturday, and he hands me 300.00 dollars, my guy came in second. I know how to pick my golf baby, if there is won (intentional) sport I know it is golf. GAG!! GAG!! COUGH!! GAG!!, something got caught in my throat. I got won for Twosday, how about golf. I can lay some knowledge out there on this one. Peoples names, anything about just PLAIN old golf. Always can be funny, pertinent, a good story. Believe it or not most of mine are pathetic. Man I stink!! I just really hate it. I did watch like the highlights of the Irishman that won, come on, in all sincerity you have to respect that ability, that was some performance. My Irish friends were flapping their wings about that one, they know about as much golf as me. Was kinda weird that they are here and a guy from Northern Ireland, whose name coincidentally sounds a lot like Roy McElvoy. Anybody know who that was??? No fair Strebor.
First time I go golfing was a sophomore in high school. Floyd was a caddy at Green Valley up there on the Ridge, they had caddy day, I took off from the car wash and he picks me up and away we go. I got one of my Dad's Jeffs on, I'll never forget it was zebra striped, and I got one in my back pocket. Tommy says whats the other hat for I said the back nine. Well, he thinks that is hilarious. I thought it was what you were supposed to do. So, I just laughed along with him and changed my hat after nine, it was fucking torture. That was the first time and it would have been my last except circumstances wouldn't allow it. I have more. They get better.
The US Open. Winner!!
14 comments:
If Golf were the only game in the World. I would not have any games to play. I would not play that fucking boring ass game. Takes 6 hours and all the duffers standing around waiting to whack their balls, because some other duffer in front of them is taking 68 practice swings. There should be a rule, walk up, bend over, address the ball. In the immortal words of one Art Carney (Ed Norton) HELLOOOOO BALLLLL!!! and hit the fuckin thing, or at least swing. Then move on. I honestly don't know how my friends play that game everyday. We all have so much in common, but man that is far apart. Babe says to me last Saturday, your the next one out on the course. I said, yep, can't wait for that day. Yeah right. Rather play put a pin in my eye..
"Eye of the Tiger." Song from a Rocky movie 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,77,78, or one of them. OR, Tiger Woods when Ellen or whatever her name was, wasn't watching.
Nine Iron. The club Tiger had for dessert last Thanksgiving.
Yo!! he is slumped over in his 98,000.00 wheels and she is trying to save him by breaking in with a nine iron. They really do expect the sheople to believe anything. I honestly knew that this was a fair fight from the beginning, her with a nine iron, him all drunk and groggy, from a whack to his balls, and his head. I believe her club of choice should have been a one wood, a new one like they make out of lead or something really hard. Then she should have opened the car door, he would have fallen by the hydrant, she could have propped his head up, took a back swing yelled FOUR, IT IS MORE LIKE 400 YOU LYING PIG, I MEAN TIGER, then she could have tried too see how far she could drive his head. It would have landed in Sea World, maybe in the blow hole of that murderous Killer Whale. It would have been a hole in one....
I think we did the golf thing before, but then again I may be wrong.
Arnold Palmer
Jack Nicklaus
sand traps
balls&clubs&tees&bags&caddies
miniature golf
Hackers Hollow and many fun sledding days back there
Bagger Vance (I think that was a golf movie about a real person)
Tin Cup (Simple's fave)
Okay I really do think this was already done and I am repeating, repeating, repeating myself. Later!
No rules Strebor. Even if they were done before. We can always come up with some thing new. I have faith. I don't remember and I know Plain don't care, he will be whacking his balls as soon as he gets back to the Ville. As for me.
Little known fact. Golf started in Scotland, yep, St. Andrews was the course. It was started by Scottish Rebels left over from the Braveheart Brigade. Edward Longshanks, the king of england at the time, finally lost out to the Scots at the Battle of Falkirk In The Year Of Our Lord 1214. Once the Scots obtained their freedom, they didn't have much too do, so they started walking around the area that is now St. Andrews with
Shillelagh like clubs in their hands that were left over from the Braveheart Wars. The would walk along and hit a rock then walk up to it and hit it again. Then one Scot said. I think it was Ewen McGreggor, Hey I'll bet ye Ah con hit that rack ferther then ye, yep, there it started they started betting on who could hit their rock the furthest. Then they got smart and started using round rocks. Then one day Torrance McGrudar hit a rock so fucking far, they couldn't find it, when lo and behold, Shamus McCrackin found it in a hole. From then on they had to hit their rocks into a hole. They dug holes all over the area of St. Andrews, and started whacking their rocks. One day Orein McCurldon, put what looked like a rock but it essence it was a form of a rubberized ball. Yep, the first golf ball, well the Scots started whacking their balls for the first time, and look where it has gotten them.. You heard it first here at Plain and Simple.
Yep yep we did this before, I bremember it well.But one of the funniest Golf stories there is Was Pat renshaws Dad Jack who was a pretty fair golfer himself and was a great caddy. Well he was back green Valley and caddying and his guy hits the ball into the woods jack goes in and there looking and looking they can't find it. The guy yells to jack the hell with it Jack I'll hit another! Well Jack dont come out and he's walking around still looking and the guy's yelling come on Jack I need a ball. Jack dont respond and keeps looking, now the guy's getting pissed and yells Damn it Jack get out here!!!!!!! jack said I couldn't go out there I couldn't find his Bag!!!!!!
No rules..........The menagerie is clouding some of Simples thoughts, and talking golf really throws him for a loop. But, good news....The Pa. casinos are doing a very brisk business and Sugar House was right in there. And when you are ready Parx just opened a 3 million High Roller room.. So if you keep picking the golf winners maybe you can parlay enough winnings to get to that room at he Parx.......
Now you are ging to pick the golf winners for us on Wednesdays. So busy and where is Plain to help you?
One golf story: I also caddied up at Greeen Valley and they had a Christmas party one year for all the caddies. The guest were Norm Van Brocklin and Tommy Mc Donald. We were in this elaborate dining room loaded with very expensive chandeliers and Norm or Tommy would ask a question and if you got it right Norm would throw the ball through the chandeliers and drop it right into your hands. It was amazing. No matter where you were sitting he would hit you. But, that was back when men were men and ships were made of wood. Green Valley took care of us.
yes Simple that it true about the Scots hitting the rocks! It is a lil known fact that that is where the saying "Getting your rocks off" comes from.It was Paddy Mc Gilcrist who first said Wat the fook are those stupid Scots doin?Their tryin to get there Rocks off, and wat fer? It's the dumbest shit ive ever seen!They look like a bunch of Goofs there Goofers tis wat they are. And yep yep I know this is where the word Golfers came from, nods yep Simple I'm glad ya brought this up we haven't talked bout this before!
I kinda knew we would get something new to talk about. Yes Jimmy Mc I saw where the Casinos in Pa pulled in roughly 50 million, just in May. Tis a better business than goofing. During the Veterans Golf Tournament one of the past years. I brought my youngest son Joey as one of our goofers. He did not disappoint as he teed up his ball and strode over to whack it, I was like wow maybe somebody in the family can golf. He hit the ball as hard as he could, it went directly down hit the ground, and came up and hit him right in the nuts, dropping him on the first tee. Good golfing runs in the family..
Typical conversation of a country club clown.
AH, yes Me and the Misses joined Wilkishire CC last week. Oh yes 88,000.00 a year, unlimited goof and we can also dine there anytime we like, of course we have to pay extra for dinner. I get too goof about three times a week, and the Misses she goes on lady's day. They had a mixed double the other day. Me and the Misses played Dr. Braxton and his wife Mildred. I am relatively new at golfing and the Braxton family have been members st Wilkishire for over a century. It was quite a thrill for us to be asked to play with them. Well wouldn't you know Mildred walks up to the first tee and places her ball up further than mine. I say excuse me Mildred but why are you placing your ball way up there. She gets prettys snotty and tells me don't I know the difference between the womens tees and the mens tees. My Misses looks at me with disdain. I started whacking my Vodka which I had hidden in my bag.. After about the fourth hole, I am in the bag with the Vodka, constantly in the woods and traps looking for my balls. I keep hollering from the woods. Anybody seen my balls. My misses keeps looking at me with disdain. At the ninth hole I go inside and shoot about 4 more shots of V. I am ridiculously drunk by now, and when Mildred Braxton tees up her ball for the tenth hole. I run up and whack at it, driving it into the woods. I stumble into the woods, and forget what I am doing in there. Some other drunk is wandering around in there and I ask him what he is doing. He tells me he lives there. I yell at the top of my lungs. I'm looking for Mildred Braxtons balls. I then sit down with the homeless guy and slug some V that he had in the woods. I heard my misses calling me with disdain in her voice, but I just kept slugging. To Be Continued.
No rules, no holds barred, no fouls, great, but I'm still repeating, repeating, repeating, myself, myself, myself, again, again, again. Good golf tales tho, can't wait for the continuation of Simple's latest saga of Mrs. Braxton's ball.
J. Mc, Norm Van Brocklin and Tommy McDonald, two of my very favorite Eagles of all times. That's when I was proud to say I was an Eagle's fan; but alas, no more.
Well I didn't catch up to the Braxtons or my Misses until the 16th hole, I had Jack Whack with me, he was the guy in the woods, he had been the club champion at Wilkishire during the 60's then one day, he said he just lost it couldn't hit his balls if he had a grenade. When the threesome saw us twosome arriving they had a look of horror on their faces, Misses had a look of disdain. I finished the next couple of holes wrapped arm over shouler with Jack. When they told me the round was over I told them fuck you me and Jack have our own booze. My Misses looked at me with disdain, of course this was six months later in the divorce court. She got everything the membership and even the golf clubs. Me I live with Jack, in the woods at Wilkishire. He keeps talking about moving to this place he heard of called Plain and Simpleville, I told him I had heard of it once or twice but it is totally fictional. Where the fuck can you find Super Flying Squirrels, ARKING smart parrots that talk better than Slavs, a drunk goat, and a Mere kat that comes to you and stares at you when you say come mere. Supposedly run by a Simpleton and his Main Man a guy named Plain. This place does not exist, and that's that. Footnote: They better hope they never find it. SIMPLE!!
True Golf Story: First time this Simpleton goes golfing is about 1979 with Jack and Pat Renshaw. We go to Turnersville Country Club. We start out and I am driving the ball straight and far, hitting the ball up in the air with the irons. Putting my ass off. Finally around the fifth hole I put one near the woods. The guy that is golfing with us, hit his ball near mine, he says what are you doing laying for a bet. I said what do you mean. He says those guys said you never golfed before. I said my man, I golfed one time in high school and that has been it. I grew up with those guys they asked me too come and play here. People I'm telling you Pat thought we were partners for life, even told me whatever irons I was using to keep using them, I was comfortable with them. That was a Saturday, Sunday I bought spikes, clubs, shirts, hats. I was the next Sam Sneade. Well I shouldn't go any further but, what good would this story be without this ending. The next time out after the third hole Pat is screaming that I don't care about the game, I don't want to listen to anyone. So far I have hit a grounder to first, second, third and short. A pop-up to the catcher. Didn't need any outfielders that day. Fifth hole I am golfing about 90 sweating like a fuckin bonobo in heat, and I tee one up, Pat says keep your fucking head down, bring the club straight back, let the club do the work. Well I thought I did all that, and I take a fuckin cut at this ball and bury that one wood up to my knuckles. The shock went up my right side into my shoulder and then my face, into my brain down my left side into my hip and smack dab into the middle of my asshole. Out my asshole and down my legs, up on my toes I went like Mere. I was still trembling when Pat yells, you didn't keep your head down. There was water over to the right and somehow I was supposed to hit from there. He was ahead of me and when he heard the splash he turned around to see my bag sinking slowly in the lake and me heading back to the bar. Thus the saga of Simples Golf experiences ends, and that is that.
Pat told me about that simple he said you were hitting the ball so far that day you could hear it land! And that just to make sure you never got the clubs back the squirles all dove in the water and pulled your clubs out and gave them to the Geese and they flew them away and dropped them in the Pines Barrens.As a matter of fact Sammy says you are a legend at Wilkshire he said when you teed off all the squirles ran to the middle of the Fairway to be safe. His grandfather told him all about you
Thanks for the confirmation on the story Plain, but don't think for even one minute that I am going to start looking for those golf clubs. The squirrels can have them, along with the geese and if the bonobos wanna fuck with them so be it...
Gotta watch my ass and the goats ass. Can't keep repeating things, except you citizens pick right up on it and start something new, so no rules, no worries. Just keep the sense and nonsense coming. I ain't taking Plains bait and letting more critters into this zoo, not yet anyway. I am sort of looking for a partner too help me keep the critters and spiders out at night. Got a spider a little while ago, one of those fast little hopping bastards, didn't hop fast enough got him with a New York Post. Little known fact. Simple hates golf, now you have some inclination as to why. OK, I feel bad for Mere, his eyes are pressed against my window, and I know he is standing on his toe nails. Opens the hatch. Come Mere. Here is your bunk. If I wake up and you are staring at me I swear I will blow your ass to Jenkins Neck. (another well known pine barrens town). So just lay down and look the other way, don't twist your head around, don't fuckin move. OK, then you can stay. Hatoonna Matada Simple. Yeah, Hatoona Matada Mere. Stay Out Of Harms Way My Friends. TAPS.....
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